You know what's funny is that sometimes I have no idea what the purpose of my life is.

I gotta get back to my devotions. I think I'm starving myself in my walk and I feel like even if I don't become less confused or more confident or, you know, suddenly gain insight as to what I should do with my life in the next two years - the next two years, can you believe that? Two years from now I'll be in grad school. But anyway the point is that I'll feel so much less alone. I know this because I've experienced it before.

Somehow things don't seem so unattainable at the same time as they seem completely impossible. It's daunting, to feel like I should be able to do things and yet not know if I'm capable of pulling them off. Or, you know, whatever.

This weekend has been really amazing because it's given me some time to sit back and breathe, and somehow I'm right back to feeling stressed out because I think of the time I let myself take off and then I think of the things that I really ought to get done before the semester ramps up for this final crunch, and it's just overwhelming.

I think sometimes that life is supposed to be overwhelming. It's just supposed to be this big huge thing that stares you in the face and threatens to pound you into the ground, and you succeed if you can stare it right back down. So you know what, life? You can't beat me. Not this semester, not next semester, not when I'm a stressed out graduate student grading undergrad papers and sobbing over experiments that don't work. Because even when they don't work and I lose sleep over it and undergrads hound me for their papers back, I'm not going to give up.

The thing is that I've put too much into everything to give up. And miraculously, I've never stopped loving chemistry, not once along the way. I'm looking forward to a 15 credit semester come spring, with no labs for courses and afternoons to hand to FX so that I can continue this project. This project that was supposed to be completed quickly.

I guess that's what happens when it takes a couple of months to get in on the job and then instead of having 40 hours in the lab per week, I've got about six that I can squeeze out of my overly busy schedule. No, as much as I enjoy some few select things about this semester, I am not going to be sorry to see it go. At least, not as sorry as I usually am. I have this goofy thing about the passage of time. I have a hard time dealing.

So it's Saturday night, almost Sunday morning and I'm reclining on my bed in just the way I shouldn't because Mom thinks it's what put my back out -- I was in excruciating pain all week a week ago and couldn't lift my bag or anything and even a visit to Anna the chiropractor was not the miracle fix that it usually is -- but it is so darn comfortable. And Schubert is making little sleepy sighs down at the foot of my bed and I wrote up my genetics lab today - just a small victory, but it's something.

Also I finally found the Windows sidebar after some help from Steph, so I have the weather and a little daisy clock and sticky notes and this goofy slide-y puzzle, and also a to-do list gadget that I downloaded because I live and die by to-do lists but I still need to figure that out. Also, Pandora is quietly playing me classical music because I have been so darn antsy lately. It's playing Schubert now... too bad the Schu can't appreciate the irony. Or the coincidence? I've never been quite sure when it's appropriate to use the term "irony".

I don't feel bad, though. I feel like most people don't know when it's appropriate to use the term "irony" and an overwhelming majority of us say "well, that's ironic" when what we really mean is "what a coincidence", but we want to sound intellectual and not like that little seven-year-old grinning with missing teeth and crying "What a co-ink-ee-dink!"

Hahahaha I love it. I'm boycotting growing up. I plan to be that seven-year-old forever, although I want to keep all of my teeth and I never say co-ink-i-dink.

Isn't it funny how songs speak to us? I mean, not funny, exactly, and not wholly unexpected either but somehow I feel so odd tonight.

I'm almost done with my fifth semester of college. It's been my most frustrating semester yet. I think it's going all right, and completely unexpectedly, I'm actually finding that my favorite course is microbiology. I'm spending some time visiting Caluwe and reacquainting myself with him, and I'm trying to keep my head above water for the rest of the semester, which... I mean, there's a week and a half left until Thanksgiving which totally floors me.

Whenever I sing the opening lines to "Touches You", I pretend I'm singing to Castello.

"you think you're better
that you're better than me
you blow me off as history
to avoid conversation
you're ignoring me"

I hate being ignored. I also have suddenly lost my drive to write which may or may not be a good thing. I'm tired this week. This semester is exhausting me.