In some sort of backwards way, I've been meaning to write some things down for ages. I haven't kept a proper journal since probably my first semester at ESF, and I think someday I'm going to regret that. Every once in a while I think of it and decide to commit some thoughts to text; it's funny, though, that I don't necessarily have any sort of guarantee that this journal will hang around.

I have a headache so either this will be quick or it will not be quick, but it will probably be a lot quicker than I'd intended when I start out.

College has done a lot of things for me. I think it restored some of the confidence I needed to have in myself that high school beat out of me, and I think that it's giving me the challenge that I need to keep myself moving - I try to schedule myself so that I can keep myself busy. It affirms that I'm doing a good job and that I'm capable.

I think my love language is words of affirmation. There's nothing like acknowledgment to spur me onward. Well, that and the fear of failure.

My semester came to a halt in a whirlwind of papers and weekend meetings at school and exams, even. I dashed around until the end, making sure that everything was going the way I wanted it to be going and suddenly - like losing the ground underneath my feet - the semester was over and I catapulted into a study marathon the likes of which I hope to never repeat ... but of course, inevitably, I will.

Three memory-intensive finals in two days, and it was like taking my first breath all semester. I felt amazing walking out of my biochemistry final - more so because he didn't manage to stump me in his questions - and I reactivated my facebook and smiled and let muscles that were probably tense since August 31st relax.

What's somewhat odd - in a funny way - is the thought that in my five completed semesters of college now, the only one that I didn't receive a grade from FX was the second semester of my freshman year. I love him to pieces, absolutely, maybe even more than I expected to. I can't remember now. I know I loved the chemistry first because organic is just kind of elegant and esoteric and lovely and then some, you know? And the experimental portion of it is just so much more hands-on than anything else. And I knew that he was an organic chemist and as I passed through his courses I got a better idea of what it was that he actually does... and I thought, hey, why not? I need to do something this summer!

I love him.

Yesterday (I guess technically it's not yesterday anymore, but two days ago), I went in to high school with Laura to tie-dye. It was kind of a nice day when you ignore the fact that I got up so that we could leave by 7:10am or so - a far cry earlier than what I'd been doing during the semester. I headed in, Hemler gave me a hug and a waffle, which I loaded up with strawberries and whipped cream, Laura was there to talk to... I met Mom and Dad for Synergy and sat through the concert, which was mostly nice.

Heading back to Hemler's room had worried me, but it turned out that I didn't need to worry. I walked right past the "lunch nazi" who was stopping kids walking through. She must have mistaken me for a teacher. When Laura got back from her second round of Synergy performances, we tie-dyed five shirts and six pairs of socks.

I even made it up to the second floor to say hi to KP. She was working with some kids after school, and I just stood in the doorway until she looked up and saw me, standing there and waving with my orange-and-blue dyed hand. Breaking off in the middle of a sentence, she - always theatrical - jumped up and ran across the room to give me a hug and I swear she knocked the wind right out of me when she got there.

"Sorry," she said, not looking sorry at all, "I belly-bumped you." Pregnancy appears to agree with her.

I did indeed mean to write more about my semester but at this point I really just want to wash my face and get some sleep. Schubert appears to agree, but then again, he may just be passed out on the bed.

Merry Christmas :)