Don't you hate it when someone tells you something that you really should have heard from someone else? And then you realize that the someone else would not have told you because that someone else is actually holding it back - specifically - from you, and everything's just shot all to pieces.

So I'm all eaten up about this. I shouldn't be, should I? But when you compromise everything you believe in, it's another matter entirely. It kind of hurts sometimes to realize that maybe your MORALS actually keep a good friend from confiding in you - and really, if you can't talk to me about it, what does that mean?

Does that mean you're turning your back on what you used to claim to be? Does it mean that you've allowed yourself to fall away from that? Are you looking down on me now as someone backwards and old-fashioned? Or is it that you're scared of how I'd react? Does it mean that you're ashamed to admit to me what's going on?

I'm just so confused, I guess. It really sucks to be confused like this right when I'm trying to get my feet planted firmly underneath me before the semester goes off in a whirlwind of papers and lab time and timesheets and exams. It sucks even more than this to be confused about what I'm supposed to be feeling about everything. I guess if I hadn't heard that it was specifically being held from me, I probably wouldn't feel the same way.

It's the fact that it's held up like a badge of honor to everyone else, and then, as an afterthought, a quick instruction to not tell me. I mean. What?

Sometimes I think that college has actually contributed an amount of drama quite comparable to my drama load from high school. Generally I try to avoid drama. I hate cattiness -- but I am not the instigator, which is why I'm going to let this eat me up for weeks and weeks and potentially longer than that instead of staging a big confrontation and getting lots of people dragged into a maelstrom of my passive-aggressive nature with the passive bit gone missing.

I suppose I should talk about chemistry a little bit, in keeping with the details of the blog. Or something. I'm pretty tired and I had actually kind of planned to be in bed by now but whatever. That's the way my life goes.

I'm kind of excited for inorganic tomorrow. It's novel. I don't bump into much that feels simultaneously new and exciting and old and familiar.

one of us won't last the night
between you and me it's no surprise
there's two of us, both can't be right
neither will move till it's over
I'm the center of attention
and the wall's inside my head
and no one will ever know it
if I keep my mouth shut tight