2013

I keep trying to psych myself out to write something nice here.

The funny thing is that I don't know why I'm writing it here. I have no idea why it seems so important to me to get something down here, right now, immediately.

It's been 2013 for approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes. That's hardly enough time to even gather a first impression about the year.

It feels a little bit empty, numb, hollow... pretty much the same way that all of the rest have felt with their turnover, their blanking of the slate, and so on and so forth. Sometimes, in the wee hours of the early, early morning (if you can call it that in good faith), it feels unfairly like its erasing the past year.

Ah, the inexorable creep of time.

2012 was not a big year for me. That was a blessing after 2010 and 2011, I think, but it somehow leaves me feeling like I didn't accomplish much in 2012. And I suppose that's also okay, because after the tumult of 2011, a year for finding my feet is appreciated.

I forget what I even meant to write. I'm squinting at the screen here, dreading my return to New Haven as it creeps closer, even despite the happy texts from friends in CT. In two days, I'll be back, in the little IKEA bed in the little apartment, and the aloneness will press on me with greater power for the time I spent here, with family.

I feel a lot of trepidation, because things are starting to change really drastically. In some ways, I always knew they would but never knew how complete it would feel. In other ways, I didn't expect it at all. In all ways, they change how I define home, how I define family. I feel a little bit unsettled and I try to push it away with my usual approach to problems (that is, don't deal with them right now -- you can see where this becomes problematic quickly). We'll see.

We'll see.

It's going to be something very, very new.