resolutions and stuff.

Straight up, my resolution is to continue my own personal growth. I realized a long time ago, although not in these exact words, that resolutions don't mean anything when you say you'll do it tomorrow, or next month, or when the school year is done, or January 1, because you leave the interim to party it up and indulge.

And one last bender never helps you start or quit anything.

I want to keep running, doing it my own way, little intervals even as I try to push myself, which is a lot harder when I run by myself instead of with J. And I want to keep reaching for the golden light at the end of my newest tunnel, and if I swear to throw myself into it with renewed vigor when I get back to Connecticut, that's different, see, because this has been my opportunity to hit the hard reset, to take some time staying up late and sleeping in later, catching up with my family, baking, occasionally running...

And of course the less fun things, like having teeth removed and trying desperately to keep the resultant holes free of debris. In any case, it's some time to try to screw my head on straight and tighter than before. Sometimes you have to grit your teeth to get up that hill. Sometimes you're scared of what you'll see when you step up to the apex.

But that's all okay, see, because it's not time lost.

I think this year I want to try to keep better in touch with my family. Looking at a major life change that's going to start making me wonder even more where I belong, where home is, and all of the little details in between. It's going to be really weird; I'm going to have to plan more in advance, among other things. But I'm well-enough established in CT that for the most part, it's not going to affect my life in any kind of a paradigm-shifting way.

I want to have better focus in general. I need to work on the lows. I know they're going to be there and that they're going to get under my skin, but I don't need to let it get into my psyche the way I do sometimes. I think that cultivating better life habits (a la exercise) is going to make a big difference in self-image, motivation, ethic, focus, and especially the recognition that if my science goes to pieces, my life doesn't have to follow suit.

I think I've seen some personal growth in myself over the past year. It's been extremely different from 2011, which was the most tumultuous year of my life to date. What with the whole Mike situation, and graduating from ESF, and the whirlwind to start at Yale, and the disintegration of a formerly strong friendship, and classes and actually joining a lab group... yes, I certainly learned a lot about myself in 2011, good and bad. I weathered a couple of storms.

I think 2012 was more of a year of gradual progress. Establishing my footing in graduate school, doing some science in my new lab group, cultivating brand-new friendships and professional relationships. A move from pure chemistry to take a little biology on the side, which can only help but was a difficult allowance initially. Easter and the Fourth of July and David's engagement and Oana's postdoc search; some nights out and many nights in. Took care of myself when I got horribly sick.

Interestingly, as my skill set grows and I hone my tools, self-doubt increases at least proportionally. Gotta work on negative self-talk.

But mostly I'm pleased to not feel as terrified of the turnover of the year.