7/18/2009
"Ninth Post"
"You cannot simply drive a car on a linear hydrocarbon. Well, you could try, but it would be a bumpy ride."
-- Caluwe
Hahahaha I still find that hilarious. I mean, literally, I laugh every time I read it. Or think about it. Or write it down. I love organic chemists. They crack me up… I think they have a special brand of humor that basically only relates to chemistry. Which is probably why I think it’s so funny.
Here’s a sample of a fairly common type of conversation I have with FX during his infrequent visits.
FX: “Okay, well, I guess we should try the vacuum pump.”
We walk over to the other lab and set up the vacuum pump. Well, sort of.
FX: “Can you go find me a small 24/40 flask?”
I go back to the other side of the lab and rummage around to try to find something smaller than 500ml with a 24/40 head. Finally, I find something that might work, and walk back to the other side of the lab.
FX: “This… isn’t 24/40. This is 24/something. I don’t know what it is.”
Me: “Oh.”
For some reason I find conversations like this hilarious. And re: the 24/40, how was I supposed to know it wasn't 24/40 if it fit on all of the 24/40 apparatuses?
Also, turns out we do have an unopened bottle of butyllithium (which, henceforth, if I am referring to it, I'll use the chemist's shorthand: BuLi), and it's not the one I just ordered down in the stockroom. Well, now we have two. FX seems remarkably unconcerned.
Thursday was a fairly good day. I ran into the janitor in the morning, because I get there sort of earlyish, because the professors basically come in whenever and the grad students do the same. Grad students, unlike me, generally do not get paid for their research. They are paying for their research because along with the slot it fills on the resume and CV, they get a little piece of paper saying they've earned another degree, which allows them to make more money later in life.
The janitor is a sweetheart, and for some reason she kind of likes me. I said hi to her and, as I was unlocking the door to my lab, I heard her say, "You should be a model." I turned to look at her (and smile, because I was hugely flattered and because I think that's the first time someone has said that to me since I was about 14/15, when I used to get it all the time), and she continued, "Because you're so tall, and skinny... and pretty." And I thanked her, because what else do you do in the face of a compliment?
Later she brought me popcorn.
8/11/2009
"Tenth Post"
I don't feel as much like I've done nothing today as I did on Wednesday of last week. I blew down some samples, I ran some GCs, and now I'm running some NMRs.
The fact is that I am pretty well stuck right now. I honestly just need him to answer one or two questions for me and then I can do something, but until I get a response from him, there's really not much I can do. It's pretty frustrating. I'm sure it's at least slightly frustrating for him, too, because although he's on vacation in France, he wanted me to email him every day and he was going to email back.
I guess I have to assume at this point that he just has no access to the internet, and be somewhat grateful that the work that he left me with plus the occasional instruction via email carried me very nearly halfway through the second week. I really hope he's back on Monday. If he is, maybe I can actually make some headway.
I also guess that I shouldn't be as terrified as I am of making mistakes. Mistakes happen. Everyone makes mistakes. And yet, I'm twisting myself into knots over this column. I just have to keep telling myself that it's a learning experience. I don't think any horrible harm was done. I think it's going to be okay.
I'm ready to go to sleep. I think the days that I stress hardest, I feel the most exhausted after.
Today, Christina, Justine and I went to the Little Thai House for lunch. It was pretty delicious, and it's nice to be able to take a break when things are getting frustrating... or going nowhere. Or possibly even both, because where the latter is, the former also tends to be. In any case, I have another hour and a half here, and I want to make sure that I pick up some of my NMR printouts before Dave leaves for the day and the room gets locked. Of course, if that happens, I can always just pick up my printouts tomorrow. Maybe I should just leave early today.
I mean honestly! I was here an hour extra on Friday, and if I don't actually really have anything to do, what's the point? Sitting around pretending to be busy for my own benefit (because no one else cares) isn't actually helpful. It just stresses me out, and I don't feel stressed at home.
10/18/2009
"Eleventh Post"
I need to write up four more microbiology labs. What's good about this? Well, nothing, but in comparison to the labs I've had to write up for my chemistry courses, these dinky little two or three-pagers are totally tame.
In any case, I am obviously not doing that, which doesn't help my situation.
It's funny that it can be almost the end of October - almost two months since my last post here - and yet somehow I have still made almost no progress on my project for FX. I've been trying an oxidation step. I tried it five or six times, with a bunch of different methods and reagents and concentrations and things.
Then FX brought me a new method on Friday which I don't entirely understand but hey, I trust the man. So I'm going to start it when I have some free time. Which will be never. This semester is driving me into the ground. I know I say that every semester but I really mean it this semester. Usually the fall semester is the one where I feel really great about everything and I feel like I get snowballed spring semester. I hope it doesn't get busier than this.
On the other hand, I am definitely not going to TA next semester. So that's a couple of chunks of time out of my schedule that I don't have to worry about.
2/10/2010
Had a bizarre day today... saw Caluwe, who informed ME that he would have my letter of recommendation done by the deadline, had Deb show me the kitten in the freezer (no lie).
2/11/2010
promise me that you'll leave the light on...
You know, I started thinking about Hemler again today. Partly because somehow, in my artless clicking-of-links (you know, the part of the day where I wind down... and down... and down some more), I came across Sara Bareilles.
The day she bought me that CD kind of stands out in my memory. Not in a particularly obtrusive way, if it's possible to stand out without being obtrusive, but in a sort of it's-there-when-I-go-looking-for-it way. It was one of those days that kind of seems like it goes on forever. It was a Friday. I was stressed.
I was stressed enough that I had actually told her beforehand that I was stressed. This was before I had a car on campus but after I earned my license; she drove down and picked me up where Irving meets East Raynor - the point where, if I had to pick, I'd say ESF begins. I was watching for her without really knowing what she drove and I still don't know, even though I can remember the color and the inside. I guess that's probably a girl thing.
So I hopped in and we pulled away to go to Carousel to see a movie, and I kind of curled into myself as she said, "So, what's all this about you being stressed out?"
It's not exactly that I don't feel comfortable being open with her. I mean, I'm pretty open with her in most respects. I think it's that she and I never really had these conversations when I was in high school, but we kind of skated around them. Or I did. I never know anymore when I look back. I don't remember what I said that day, or what she said to me in return, but I remember that question.
I struggle with feeling inadequate. I don't know why I feel inadequate. I just always feel like I need to do more, to be involved in more, to be constantly adding to my resume and yet, somehow, I manage to not be capable of fitting things in. This is probably the hot-button issue for me - I usually think of failing something (myself, other people, to meet some sort of expectations) as my biggest fear, but why would I fear failure if I didn't feel inadequate?
I'm just so scared of the future. I don't know what I want to do. I tell people that I think I want to do research, and I AM happy when I'm in the lab and I want to do a research program this summer but I'm terrified. I am so scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of being away from home, I'm scared to try to build yet another support system for myself, I'm scared to try to learn to be myself again without people to define me.
I mean, sooner or later, they'll probably define me again anyway, right?
This isn't the point. The point is that I miss Hemler. I miss her a lot and yet I don't feel comfortable calling her Hem anymore. She wants me to call her Lisa and I'm going to have to get used to that but maybe that's the next step.
Maybe there is no next step. At least in that respect. The thought of letting go (no, I haven't done it yet) is still terrifying. Did I let her define me? Did I make her define me? Did she define me? In a way, I'm sure she did.
5/2/2010
It's May. And I'm terrified. The anticipation of the end of semester, the excitement for a long summer vacation - it's missing, somehow.
I feel like I'm wading reluctantly towards a finish line that I don't really want to cross.
I feel like I did four years ago, when my junior year of high school was ending and I was so excited to be a senior and I loved every minute of my senior year and then dissolved into a little puddle of tears when it was over.
And I think it's going to be worse when I leave ESF.
It's funny, because I didn't ever think I would even go to ESF. I don't know why; I think I thought I'd go to some upper-echelon private school or something. Instead, I'm living at home, sitting in the middle of my bed in my own bedroom at my own house on a muggy Sunday afternoon, sort of fending off thoughts and worries about upcoming finals and the end of another year at ESF.
I know I'm worried. Besides the fact that I can feel it beginning to curl up in the pit of my stomach, I've been biting the skin around the fingernail of my left thumb... which is quite frustrating, actually, because the nail is too long for it to be effective. And that SHOULD be a good thing, because it means I can't massacre that finger before I need it at school tomorrow for whatever it is I use my left thumb: texting, probably.
Last night I was thinking about how tomorrow will be my last biochemistry class probably ever, and I was thinking about how that might be a positive thing. And then I felt this sort of crushing despair that said to me, "But that means that you've almost exhausted your courses at ESF. That means that soon, it's time for you to leave."
If you know anything about me, you know how much I hate change. Change makes my stomach do that knot thing in my stomach. Change makes me cry into my pillow or on long, night-time walks with Laura. And huge changes, like leaving the place that became my home so much more than Liverpool High School ever was - well, frankly, it's catastrophic.
It's tough for me to think of picking up and leaving for the summer, when I've finally established myself here. I've felt a sense of belonging so strongly that it's just exhilarating.
5/24/2010
Mom seems to be of the opinion that we all have ADD. To some extent. Apparently it doesn't interfere with me leading a productive life. It doesn't get in my way.
If it's the reason I have so much trouble focusing, though, maybe it does a little bit. I think the reason I have trouble focusing is because I need concrete deadlines and sometimes I just don't get concrete deadlines.
Bah, it's really hot today.
7/6/2010
My chemicals are not in. This is turning into a vicious cycle, without any real cycle. At least, I don't think it really qualifies as a cycle.
This Mika song makes me want to stand on top of a moving train and make superhero poses. I think that's the point. I can still listen to it all day; it has not lost its appeal yet.
I was just looking at my plan sheet; I was sort of thinking ahead to the freshman orientation seminar that I might try to piggyback my way to (although I think I - very unfortunately - actually have a class during it) because I love chemistry and because FX runs the seminar.
Anyway, turns out I am deficient 6 credits for graduation. For some reason, I think that's hilarious (probably because I am slacking and only taking 15 credits this next semester AND YET that's 9 more than I need).
This past weekend we spent in a whirlwind of trains and skyscrapers and crowds and sun (mmm, too much sun). I went up on the Skydeck of the Sears Tower, and it was worth the money because I'm never going to do it again in my entire life, probably, but it was sort of breathtaking in a way with which I don't usually associate the adjective "breathtaking".
I guess the whole urban setting is just really new for me. It surprises everyone, because the minute I mention that I live in New York they dive for the city and I have to explain that no, I really don't live very close to the city at all. In fact, I've never been there. I would go, though; I like the city.
I like the life of it all. There are people everywhere. The transit system is amazing. The food is neverending (but unfortunately not free). The shopping is hideously expensive and the views are unbelievable.
7/28/2010
Basically, I have nothing to do until 3:45, and right now it is 12:30. I'm considering going for lunch, but I don't want to spend the money, so I'll probably work more on my paper (the first draft of which is due tomorrow) and eat my granola bars. I'm going to have to buy one more box, I think, and that'll be it. I realized yesterday that there are about three weeks of the program left. Three weeks from today I'm going to be done with presenting (or maybe, if we're talking 12:24pm on August 18th, I'll still have to go) and I'll be wrapping things up in the lab and trying to hit all of the restaurants that we found we liked while we were here.
It's going to be weird to say goodbye to this place. This experience seems to be teaching me that either (1) I was too young when I went to summer camp or (2) summer camp in teepees is a terrible idea. I am leaning towards both, actually.
At 20 years old, I'm learning that I can fend for myself. And I realize that dorm life isn't real life. I think I realized this a long time ago; it was drilled into me every time someone's eager parent slammed me again and again, saying, "But don't you want to have the college experience?!" Because the "college experience" isn't real life.
8/20/2010
(no title)
I feel like I should write something tonight because this is my official last night in Evanston. I went to breakfast with my parents, to lunch with Paola and Dessi, and to dinner (and subsequent ice cream) with my parents.
I like the word susurrus. I think it's about the best example of onomatopoeia I've ever seen. It's too bad that it would sound so terribly pretentious to ever use it, because it's really a lovely word.
Back when I had my verizon.net email and had daily Word of the Day emails (I've signed back up for them, but somehow having them delivered to my gmail account daily is more annoying than anything else), I used to save the words I really liked. I've lost those, though, because we switched to Time Warner (DSL was NOT cutting it).
It doesn't really matter. I suppose I'm not going to be a writer anyway, although I always used to feel so terribly proud of myself when I wrote something decent. I can't write as well as I used to be able to write... I know this, because I look back and I've lost a good deal of what I used to be able to do.
The problem is that I never feel particularly inspired anymore. Most of the time I feel vaguely tired, or I just don't care enough to try to write. Besides, what do I write about?
I'm feeling terribly tired now. Mom and Dad helped me move most of my things out of my room, so that all I have left is my bedding, my bathroom stuff, my fridge, a change of clothes, and my drying rack. Oh, and my computer. Who can survive long without one of those?
I haven't heard anything about TAing for general chemistry. That's okay, I guess. I could take the semester off. I have, after all, heard about tutoring for organic chemistry. I feel so terribly tired! The thought of tutoring seems so daunting now, even though I've done it for two years. At least it starts slow, and first semester is a piece of cake.
Against dark blue, my hair looks lighter. I notice this every time I wear this particular tank.
An Innocent Man is a great song. I forgot how good a song it was. Good old iTunes genius feature comes through again!
you know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
You gotta hand it to Billy Joel. He writes great lyrics. You know what's a great song? All About Soul. Holy cow is that song good. What's my favorite part of that song... hmmmm. I think it's the chorus that goes
it's all about soul:
it's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
it's all about soul:
who's standing now and who's standing tomorrow
and following lines. But really, the whole song. Good stuff.
9/13/2010
It's funny, how a little dog can keep me company. I love this little dog like crazy.
Today as I was driving home from taking Jon to karate, I heard a commercial on the radio. I only heard a fragment of it, because I was skipping around stations looking for something that I honestly wanted to listen to, but it made me laugh.
"Well," said a woman's voice, "I have one half-sister, and two quarter-brothers!"
"And together," boomed an enthusiastic man's voice, "They make one whole person! So have them over for -" and then I switched the station. Still, it struck me as funny.
And that made me think of this commercial DJ saw on TV the other day while watching football. He actually paused the TV, called me downstairs, and played it for me. It was for Jimmy Dean sausages, I think, and I wish I could find it because it was THAT funny.
11/26/2010
If I die young, or something happens or whatnot, I don't want any groups made in my honor on facebook. There are terrible people out there who for some reason get their kicks from terrorizing people who are in indescribable pain.
I just wouldn't want anyone to step on my memory like that.
I guess my facebook could stay up. I don't really know.
12/13/2010
I want to learn to sing The Winner Takes it All, but I'm afraid it might be too high for me. I suppose I could pitch it a couple of steps lower.
8/29/2011
I think it's time.
The new leaf is nearly turned over!
I always wonder what that means, you know? Turning over a new leaf? What's the literal component to that statement? I always find myself somehow thinking of both a new green leaf - light, healthy, alive green like the tank top I'm wearing right now, a green that makes you smile and maybe even think of mint chocolate chip ice cream - and a fallen fall leaf, browned side up, waiting to be turned by the inquisitive toe of a distracted person waiting for a bus.
I think that my little green leaf, reluctantly unfurling as I cherished the last vestiges of high school, opened its veiny face to the sun when I started my undergraduate. As I finished my undergraduate, it slowly began to change from green to a sunset palette of colors. Now it has fallen to the ground and its crispy self is just waiting to be discovered.
Nah, that analogy doesn't really work.
I heard Someone Like You on the radio right now. About time that got some attention. I do like knowing the song before it makes it onto the radio, though -- that never happens.
So my summer of research has been over for just over a week now. I've spent a week doing random things, being lazy, walking around during the sunny days, cooking, cleaning, reading, watching some television, meeting my incoming class, etc etc.
Just got distracted by a plethora of things, including but not limited to: Robyn, facebook, my class schedule, the dirty dishes in the sink, and a truck driving backwards on the path outside my window (it was making a terrible scraping noise that sounded a little like squawking).
So Irene hit New Haven. I didn't think it was that bad, but I did run into Kurt Karandy this morning and apparently he's been without power for over 24 hours now. His immunology roommate took their food to cool with the dry ice. Haha he was so pleased with the dry ice. The things I take for granted now, I'll tell ya...
I also saw the better part of a tree flipped over and threatening to snap the power lines that had tried to be accommodating by catching it. Now, I don't know whether or not that would have cut my power... but I figure I could have very well have lost power.
I am listening to Mahna, Mahna and it is making me bop which is, of course, making typing (or thinking) very difficult.
Oh. Right.
So I have finished my schedule. It took probably five minutes to iron out. I talked to Scott Miller for quite a bit longer than that because he is a nice guy and also because I figure you cannot have too many faculty friends in your department.
No comments:
Post a Comment