Thoughts on 2011

Oh, hey, 2011. It's been 2011 for a while now. 2011 is sort of noncommittal. It sits at my elbow and impassively watches as I move from here to there to back over here, checking things off of my to-do list. As I make little everyday decisions.

2011 seems not to care much what happens. 2007 cared very much, I think. 2011 figures it'll let the cards fall where they may, and it's an odd feeling to me. I don't know that I've moved past dreading the passage of time, but I certainly feel better about it than I did four years ago.

I suppose that's a step in the right direction.

Breaks feel like stasis to me. Nothing's happening. Life isn't moving. Time is barely passing. The only time I feel aware of the its passage is late, late, late at night when I'm having trouble getting myself to settle and go to bed. When I glance at the clock and I think of how it's no longer today, but it's now tomorrow, and it'll never be today again. Never.

It's unsettling, and of course, this makes it more difficult to go to bed. Somehow I manage, though, so I suppose that's all right. I've had more trouble getting up in the mornings lately - I imagine that's because I've actually HAD to get up in the mornings rather than sleep until I wake naturally. I've sort of given up on it. I get to school later -- instead of arriving between 9 and 9:30, I arrive between 9:30 and 10.

It's nice to be at school. Comfortable. I'm going to have to adopt a new place soon enough, and I'll have to give this one up. I still remember the alien feeling I had when, the week before graduation, we had to stop by the high school to pick something up. And I didn't even go in. I just stood at the Fine Arts door and looked in, down that long hallway.

I saw the flecked floor that I'd walked every day for four years. I saw the fluorescent lights reflected as rectangles in that floor, and I saw the classroom doors, the hallways, the murals, the corner beyond which it opens into the lobby, flooded with light from outside. And when I stood there looking in, before I'd even graduated, I felt disconnected. This place that I'd loved for at the very least that last year was not mine anymore.

I wonder if ESF will feel like that to me after I graduate. Like it's not mine. Like I don't belong anymore. It's disorienting.

I finally remembered to bring the Sara CD that Hemler bought me back into the car. Little Voice. I popped it in today, because I've learned all of the words to Kaleidoscope Heart - have known them for a while now - and I still remembered all of the words to it. I've been listening straight through CDs lately, not skipping to my favorites. I like that when one song ends, I can hear the opening notes of the next in my head before they come on, and I know the order.

So, even though typically I would skip One Sweet Love, because it's not my favorite, I listened to it. And this CD is reminding me that she is really an amazing lyricist. Not that her lyrics to Kaleidoscope Heart aren't amazing - they are - but I'm remembering. The thing about Sara is that typically she seems to take a rather pessimistic stance on love (when she's taking one at all), so I don't have to feel disconnected from the song.

Oh. Hahahaha that makes me sound like an extreme pessimist! It's just that I understand the pessimistic side, and I haven't known the optimistic side yet. Someday.

I ought to get back to run that column. It's very cold at school today. I wish I'd worn a long-sleeved shirt underneath my hoodie instead of a t-shirt. Oh well. At least I opted out of a tank.

2010 feels old and worn in. Comfortable.

I can remember New Years where I have moved around slowly, getting used to the feel and the taste of the new year, because it actually is different. There's something palpable about the new year - the fresh slate, the filed past, and the vast expanse of 365 days between now and the next benchmark.

New Year's Eve is easily my least favorite holiday. I believe I was saying something to that effect this morning. I don't mind hanging out with some people on New Year's Eve. I really don't. It's nice to be with people you love. But at the end of the day (literally), when that giant disco ball comes to rest on the four numbers that will define the next year, I don't want to be with anyone but family.

I like the way my family does New Year's Eve. We never have parties and rarely go to parties and at the parties we do attend, we leave before midnight. We usually make something up - dip for chips, occasionally those mini hot dogs (which, ick?), maybe leftover Christmas cookies.

We sit on the couch around 11:55 and flip between the channels covering Times Square, because Ryan Seacrest is lame and the performers are less than stellar, and we watch, without much excitement, the demise of that ball. We watch the confetti, we watch all of the people wildly kissing, and we look at each other and confirm that we are all thankful that we are not, in fact, at Times Square, and we reaffirm that we do not, in fact, ever want to be at Times Square on New Year's Eve.

Then we have some sparkling grape juice or whatever Wegmans had, we have it in the crystal goblets - is goblet quite the right term? They're not wineglasses, they're not the right shape, but they have stems and everything - and everyone clinks glasses with everyone else and drinks.

Then we go to bed. There is no real celebration, just an acknowledgment that yes, more time has passed, and yes, we're aware of it. It sort of makes me feel for all those other midnights that we don't pay any attention to... Christmas night, for instance, when the holiday is officially over but no one bothers to notice. Or Christmas Eve and its seamless transition into Christmas.

Most of all, though, imminent change, which comes with passing time, is not my favorite and I have never loved the holiday dedicated to passing time. Why wish it away? I'm 21 years old. I'm not in a hurry to be any older.

I have now made hummus twice. It's not really bona fide hummus, but it tastes like summer to me (I know, I know, why make it in the winter then? Well, I'll tell you - hummus always appeals to me), probably because of the copious lemon we use. The first time, I was zesting the lemon and managed to zest my left pinky.

I think of it every time I brush a finger over the divot in my fingernail. I yelped and took a look at it immediately, while Mom said, "don't get any blood in the hummus" quite calmly. There wasn't much blood, and I did make sure that none of my skin was in the hummus either, but I suppose I can't make that promise about my fingernail. A little keratin never hurt anyone, I guess.

Been catching up on television. Sports Night is excellent - it's so good! - but I am tired of Dana's heart being constantly broken. I just don't understand! I thought I might try to finish up Lost before the end of break, just to have those loose ends tied up. Even though I'm not really that invested, for some reason I cannot bring myself to read about the completion of the series (and Wikipedia has tempted. It tempts! It tempts!).

Watched Inception last night - Jon wanted it, and Laura bought it for him for Christmas. Just watched Despicable Me, and it was just as adorable as I'd heard. Plus the giggling of the minions was certainly contagious.

Mmm-mmm. I feel like I had more to say, but it turns out I don't, so I guess I'm out.

Okay okay okay I cannot resist.

Soundtrack of the next couple of days:

+ the song from the last entry (somewhat colloquially known as We Are Young)
+ Start Me Up
+ Be Good to Yourself

I am officially done with the semester!! I am going in on Monday to hand in my take-home exam and probably to start organizing Dave's life for him, or at least to fill out the paperwork so that I can be paid for organizing Dave's life for him. And the rest of the time?

SPORTS NIGHT. I AM SO EXCITED YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I love Felicity Huffman.

The end.

WE ARE FREE

WE COULD RULE THE WORLD
ON A SILVER PLATTER
FROM THE WRONG TO THE RED LIGHT
TO THE OPEN STREAM
WE COULD CRASH AND BURN
WE COULD MAKE IT BETTER
TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN
JUST YOU AND ME
WE ARE THE DREAM
NO OTHER WAY TO BE

I COULD CHANGE THE WORLD
I COULD MAKE IT BETTER
KICK IT UP AND DOWN
TAKE A CHANCE ON ME
WHEN YOU FAKE A SMILE
AND YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER
GONNA PUT IT DOWN
WHIP IT AT YOUR FEET
NO BRIDGE TO BURN
NOWHERE TO TURN FOR ME

WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT US?
ARE THEY THINKING OF SOMEBODY ELSE?
ARE THEY WONDERING WHAT WE MIGHT BE?
ARE THEY THINKING OF YOU OR OF ME?

Yep. That's about all I got today.

Sara's my girl.

there'll be girls across the nation that'll eat this up
babe, I know that it's your soul but could you bottle it up?

I am aiming to be somebody that somebody trusts
with a delicate soul I don't claim to know much
except soon as you start to make room for the parts
that aren't you it gets harder to bloom
in a garden of love

started as a flicker
meant to be a flame
skin has gotten thicker
but it burns the same
still a baby in the cradle
gotta take my first fall
baby's gettin' next to nowhere
with her back against the wall
meant to make me happy
made me sad
wanna make it better
better so bad
save your resolutions
for your never new year
there is only one solution
I could see here

head under water
and you tell me
to breathe easy for a while

made room for me
but it's too soon to see
if I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold onto
blank stares at blank pages
no easy way to say this
you mean well but
you make this hard on me

I like snow.

Progress. It is at a snail's pace, but it is progress nonetheless.

I am really regretting taking that book about the Viscoelasticity of Polymers back to the library. I could really use it right about now for this take-home exam. Maybe if DJ has to go in tomorrow, I could have him pick it up for me.

I need something diverting to do. The problem is that I can't really afford to be diverted right now! I should divert myself with the things that I cannot be diverted from -- that would be killing two birds with one stone.

It's a shame that things don't always conform to the way I think they ought to be.

one foot boy

Miami 2017. I don’t know why I like that song so much. I like the intro. I like the melody. I’m pretty sure it’s basically about the end of the world (or maybe it’s the fall of the United States), or something. But I like it, and right now I’m in the mood.

I feel very burned out. I have a lot of work that I really do need to do, and I just need to take a break. I just need a break. I just need some time off with some mindless tv, or some time to surf facebook aimlessly, or some time to sleep all day and not feel guilty about it.

I am going to finish this week. I am going to finish this week. I AM GOING TO FINISH THIS WEEK.

I’m exhausted.

highway run
until the midnight sun
wheels go 'round and 'round
in my mind

Maybe I should find my handouts to work on some labs. Or maybe I should work on my take-home exam from polymer. I have to do something, but I just want to go to bed.

Maybe I’ll go to bed. I might not be very productive if I stay up anyway, and I heard that you can count any sleep you get before midnight as four times as much as the sleep you get after midnight. That would mean I could get... well, actually, technically I do not have to get up at all tomorrow, so I guess there’s no endpoint. But anyway, I could get plenty of sleep. Maybe I’ll do that.

There is always tomorrow to work on this.

Only there’s not always tomorrow, you know? Sometimes you can’t do it tomorrow. But I can do it tomorrow, as long as I really do it tomorrow, when tomorrow’s here. As long as I don’t keep waiting for tomorrow, batting away the nagging of my to-do list.

Heck, if I don’t get my work done, when will I ever do my Christmas shopping?

circus life
under the big top world
we all need the clowns
to make us smile

My fingernails are painted silver. I would take the polish off, but I feel like it’s insulating my fingers and keeping them warmer, so I guess I’ll leave it until I start chipping at it. Then I have to take it off or risk the destruction (again) of my fingernails.

I’m glad I don’t have to leave the house tomorrow.

I don’t know what I feel like doing. I feel like being done. That means I need to do! I can’t be done without doing, you see. And there’s so much to have after I’m done! Books and television and running around the mall with all of the crazy Christmas shoppers and yelling good-naturedly about the traffic (except when it stretches across the intersection – that’s not so good-natured).

my oh my
think my mind is gone
I’m left here wondering
was I crazy all along?
what do I do?

Bed, I think.