Actually, I have many reasons why list-articles are awful, but they all stem from the same one reason, and I don’t want to write a list-article critiquing list-articles because I’m not really ready for that kind of meta, palate-offending irony.
Is it irony?
Let’s not get into that. Especially because definitions are more fluid than ever in this day and age. Literally is literally being given a definition that means the exact opposite of literally. (See what I did there? I caaaaan’t stop.) And it makes me sad that the definition of literally is beginning to mean not-literally, beginning to mean practically or virtually instead.
Apparently this is totes cool because “it’s hyperbole.”
NO.
You don’t get to use a word in the exact WRONG way and call it hyperbole. That is not hyperbole. Hyperbole is saying “the spotlight was brighter than the sun,” not “the spotlight was literally as bright as the sun.”
Plus it takes all of the fun out of reading statements by people who don’t know how to use the word correctly. For example, I have a facebook friend (distinct from friend-on-facebook, because I haven’t talked to said facebook friend since early 2007) who was once very excited. She was so excited about something – I think it was concert tickets for her favorite artist. And she managed to nab some tickets, and she posted about it and then said “I LITERALLY pooped my pants.”
Editor’s note: she didn’t say pooped, but we try to keep it G-rated here.
Anyway the idea of this facebook friend literally defecating in her pants due to her excitement sent me into a fit of giggles for a few minutes instead of making me angry and disenchanted with the general human populace. So that is why changing the definition of literally is going to be no fun.
Now, the one (umbrella) reason why list-articles are the worst is because they are so incredibly lazy.
No, seriously. It’s like the authors are all teenagers, surfing tumblr for really funny and contextually appropriate (if you’re lucky) pictures to slap under a list item that more often than not is not even a complete sentence.
In fact, buzzfeed list articles probably rarely crack 200 words. No kidding dude. I’ve already written way more than a buzzfeed list article. (I got tired of hyphens because they require some extra exertion in my typing fingers.)
And even when the lists have complete sentences in them, they lack any cohesiveness. There’s no segue to the writing. Point. Point. Point.
And the agendas that are being pushed in them are really ridiculous. There’s this trend lately that I’ve mentioned where the single-and-apparently-loving-it Millenials are pushing back against their contemporaries who are getting married and having children.
“23 things to do when you’re 23 that are not getting engaged.”
You really couldn’t just title that “23 things that are great about being single”? Same idea, slightly (SLIGHTLY) less offensive. In the aggressive way. “23 things I like to do by myself.” And they’re always stupid things that have nothing to do with being single. They’re just bitter.
I have abruptly lost interest in this discussion. Maybe I just had less to say than I thought I had to say.
In other news, I am freaking out about being an adult and needing to do my taxes. I think I just freeze up and I’m being a big baby about it. I won’t even look at anything which probably does not bode well for me. I just don’t handle stress well, which is unfortunate, because I am a graduate student. Life is hard.
If you pay dad for the CT tax return forms on turbo-tax, you might be able to talk him into doing them for you one more time, although he is threatening to hire somebody to do ours. You can always just go to one of those tax preparer kiosks at the mall or something, if you're desperate. If you watch them, you might decided that you'd have done it better... either it would take the mystery out of it for you for next time, or it would be flat out money well spent. Either way is a gain.
ReplyDeleteDecide. Not decided. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNow and then I do a list article on my blog. I think they are supposed to appeal to the average attention span of a reader nowadays, and thus boost your blog ratings. I still have no following, so clearly I am not using list articles enough.
I had not yet become aware of the rampant misuse of the word literally. I will be on the lookout henceforth. All I know is, I always get into trouble when I use hyperbole. Nobody knows what hyperbole is. Except you. Thank you for the lovely example of hyperbole.
Do you know I got into trouble at FHS for telling a class that if they committed a particular infraction (I think it had to do with copying off sparks notes), I would extirpate them. Extirpate was one of their vocabulary words. My big mistake was (perhaps) that extirpate was a vocabulary word for the class that was studying The Tempest, while the class I was talking to was studying Romeo and Juliet. Anyway, I was clearly using hyperbole (while trying to demonstrate using a vocab word, albeit an irrelevant one). SERIOUSLY. We even had a POSTER on the wall EXPLAINING hyperbole. And kids went home and told their parents that I was scary, and the principal had to speak with me.
I was such a bad teacher.