Straight up, my resolution is to continue my own personal growth. I realized a long time ago, although not in these exact words, that resolutions don't mean anything when you say you'll do it tomorrow, or next month, or when the school year is done, or January 1, because you leave the interim to party it up and indulge.
And one last bender never helps you start or quit anything.
I want to keep running, doing it my own way, little intervals even as I try to push myself, which is a lot harder when I run by myself instead of with J. And I want to keep reaching for the golden light at the end of my newest tunnel, and if I swear to throw myself into it with renewed vigor when I get back to Connecticut, that's different, see, because this has been my opportunity to hit the hard reset, to take some time staying up late and sleeping in later, catching up with my family, baking, occasionally running...
And of course the less fun things, like having teeth removed and trying desperately to keep the resultant holes free of debris. In any case, it's some time to try to screw my head on straight and tighter than before. Sometimes you have to grit your teeth to get up that hill. Sometimes you're scared of what you'll see when you step up to the apex.
But that's all okay, see, because it's not time lost.
I think this year I want to try to keep better in touch with my family. Looking at a major life change that's going to start making me wonder even more where I belong, where home is, and all of the little details in between. It's going to be really weird; I'm going to have to plan more in advance, among other things. But I'm well-enough established in CT that for the most part, it's not going to affect my life in any kind of a paradigm-shifting way.
I want to have better focus in general. I need to work on the lows. I know they're going to be there and that they're going to get under my skin, but I don't need to let it get into my psyche the way I do sometimes. I think that cultivating better life habits (a la exercise) is going to make a big difference in self-image, motivation, ethic, focus, and especially the recognition that if my science goes to pieces, my life doesn't have to follow suit.
I think I've seen some personal growth in myself over the past year. It's been extremely different from 2011, which was the most tumultuous year of my life to date. What with the whole Mike situation, and graduating from ESF, and the whirlwind to start at Yale, and the disintegration of a formerly strong friendship, and classes and actually joining a lab group... yes, I certainly learned a lot about myself in 2011, good and bad. I weathered a couple of storms.
I think 2012 was more of a year of gradual progress. Establishing my footing in graduate school, doing some science in my new lab group, cultivating brand-new friendships and professional relationships. A move from pure chemistry to take a little biology on the side, which can only help but was a difficult allowance initially. Easter and the Fourth of July and David's engagement and Oana's postdoc search; some nights out and many nights in. Took care of myself when I got horribly sick.
Interestingly, as my skill set grows and I hone my tools, self-doubt increases at least proportionally. Gotta work on negative self-talk.
But mostly I'm pleased to not feel as terrified of the turnover of the year.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
the once-lost drafts, in chronological order
7/18/2009
"Ninth Post"
"You cannot simply drive a car on a linear hydrocarbon. Well, you could try, but it would be a bumpy ride."
-- Caluwe
Hahahaha I still find that hilarious. I mean, literally, I laugh every time I read it. Or think about it. Or write it down. I love organic chemists. They crack me up… I think they have a special brand of humor that basically only relates to chemistry. Which is probably why I think it’s so funny.
Here’s a sample of a fairly common type of conversation I have with FX during his infrequent visits.
FX: “Okay, well, I guess we should try the vacuum pump.”
We walk over to the other lab and set up the vacuum pump. Well, sort of.
FX: “Can you go find me a small 24/40 flask?”
I go back to the other side of the lab and rummage around to try to find something smaller than 500ml with a 24/40 head. Finally, I find something that might work, and walk back to the other side of the lab.
FX: “This… isn’t 24/40. This is 24/something. I don’t know what it is.”
Me: “Oh.”
For some reason I find conversations like this hilarious. And re: the 24/40, how was I supposed to know it wasn't 24/40 if it fit on all of the 24/40 apparatuses?
Also, turns out we do have an unopened bottle of butyllithium (which, henceforth, if I am referring to it, I'll use the chemist's shorthand: BuLi), and it's not the one I just ordered down in the stockroom. Well, now we have two. FX seems remarkably unconcerned.
Thursday was a fairly good day. I ran into the janitor in the morning, because I get there sort of earlyish, because the professors basically come in whenever and the grad students do the same. Grad students, unlike me, generally do not get paid for their research. They are paying for their research because along with the slot it fills on the resume and CV, they get a little piece of paper saying they've earned another degree, which allows them to make more money later in life.
The janitor is a sweetheart, and for some reason she kind of likes me. I said hi to her and, as I was unlocking the door to my lab, I heard her say, "You should be a model." I turned to look at her (and smile, because I was hugely flattered and because I think that's the first time someone has said that to me since I was about 14/15, when I used to get it all the time), and she continued, "Because you're so tall, and skinny... and pretty." And I thanked her, because what else do you do in the face of a compliment?
Later she brought me popcorn.
8/11/2009
"Tenth Post"
I don't feel as much like I've done nothing today as I did on Wednesday of last week. I blew down some samples, I ran some GCs, and now I'm running some NMRs.
The fact is that I am pretty well stuck right now. I honestly just need him to answer one or two questions for me and then I can do something, but until I get a response from him, there's really not much I can do. It's pretty frustrating. I'm sure it's at least slightly frustrating for him, too, because although he's on vacation in France, he wanted me to email him every day and he was going to email back.
I guess I have to assume at this point that he just has no access to the internet, and be somewhat grateful that the work that he left me with plus the occasional instruction via email carried me very nearly halfway through the second week. I really hope he's back on Monday. If he is, maybe I can actually make some headway.
I also guess that I shouldn't be as terrified as I am of making mistakes. Mistakes happen. Everyone makes mistakes. And yet, I'm twisting myself into knots over this column. I just have to keep telling myself that it's a learning experience. I don't think any horrible harm was done. I think it's going to be okay.
I'm ready to go to sleep. I think the days that I stress hardest, I feel the most exhausted after.
Today, Christina, Justine and I went to the Little Thai House for lunch. It was pretty delicious, and it's nice to be able to take a break when things are getting frustrating... or going nowhere. Or possibly even both, because where the latter is, the former also tends to be. In any case, I have another hour and a half here, and I want to make sure that I pick up some of my NMR printouts before Dave leaves for the day and the room gets locked. Of course, if that happens, I can always just pick up my printouts tomorrow. Maybe I should just leave early today.
I mean honestly! I was here an hour extra on Friday, and if I don't actually really have anything to do, what's the point? Sitting around pretending to be busy for my own benefit (because no one else cares) isn't actually helpful. It just stresses me out, and I don't feel stressed at home.
10/18/2009
"Eleventh Post"
I need to write up four more microbiology labs. What's good about this? Well, nothing, but in comparison to the labs I've had to write up for my chemistry courses, these dinky little two or three-pagers are totally tame.
In any case, I am obviously not doing that, which doesn't help my situation.
It's funny that it can be almost the end of October - almost two months since my last post here - and yet somehow I have still made almost no progress on my project for FX. I've been trying an oxidation step. I tried it five or six times, with a bunch of different methods and reagents and concentrations and things.
Then FX brought me a new method on Friday which I don't entirely understand but hey, I trust the man. So I'm going to start it when I have some free time. Which will be never. This semester is driving me into the ground. I know I say that every semester but I really mean it this semester. Usually the fall semester is the one where I feel really great about everything and I feel like I get snowballed spring semester. I hope it doesn't get busier than this.
On the other hand, I am definitely not going to TA next semester. So that's a couple of chunks of time out of my schedule that I don't have to worry about.
2/10/2010
Had a bizarre day today... saw Caluwe, who informed ME that he would have my letter of recommendation done by the deadline, had Deb show me the kitten in the freezer (no lie).
2/11/2010
promise me that you'll leave the light on...
You know, I started thinking about Hemler again today. Partly because somehow, in my artless clicking-of-links (you know, the part of the day where I wind down... and down... and down some more), I came across Sara Bareilles.
The day she bought me that CD kind of stands out in my memory. Not in a particularly obtrusive way, if it's possible to stand out without being obtrusive, but in a sort of it's-there-when-I-go-looking-for-it way. It was one of those days that kind of seems like it goes on forever. It was a Friday. I was stressed.
I was stressed enough that I had actually told her beforehand that I was stressed. This was before I had a car on campus but after I earned my license; she drove down and picked me up where Irving meets East Raynor - the point where, if I had to pick, I'd say ESF begins. I was watching for her without really knowing what she drove and I still don't know, even though I can remember the color and the inside. I guess that's probably a girl thing.
So I hopped in and we pulled away to go to Carousel to see a movie, and I kind of curled into myself as she said, "So, what's all this about you being stressed out?"
It's not exactly that I don't feel comfortable being open with her. I mean, I'm pretty open with her in most respects. I think it's that she and I never really had these conversations when I was in high school, but we kind of skated around them. Or I did. I never know anymore when I look back. I don't remember what I said that day, or what she said to me in return, but I remember that question.
I struggle with feeling inadequate. I don't know why I feel inadequate. I just always feel like I need to do more, to be involved in more, to be constantly adding to my resume and yet, somehow, I manage to not be capable of fitting things in. This is probably the hot-button issue for me - I usually think of failing something (myself, other people, to meet some sort of expectations) as my biggest fear, but why would I fear failure if I didn't feel inadequate?
I'm just so scared of the future. I don't know what I want to do. I tell people that I think I want to do research, and I AM happy when I'm in the lab and I want to do a research program this summer but I'm terrified. I am so scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of being away from home, I'm scared to try to build yet another support system for myself, I'm scared to try to learn to be myself again without people to define me.
I mean, sooner or later, they'll probably define me again anyway, right?
This isn't the point. The point is that I miss Hemler. I miss her a lot and yet I don't feel comfortable calling her Hem anymore. She wants me to call her Lisa and I'm going to have to get used to that but maybe that's the next step.
Maybe there is no next step. At least in that respect. The thought of letting go (no, I haven't done it yet) is still terrifying. Did I let her define me? Did I make her define me? Did she define me? In a way, I'm sure she did.
5/2/2010
It's May. And I'm terrified. The anticipation of the end of semester, the excitement for a long summer vacation - it's missing, somehow.
I feel like I'm wading reluctantly towards a finish line that I don't really want to cross.
I feel like I did four years ago, when my junior year of high school was ending and I was so excited to be a senior and I loved every minute of my senior year and then dissolved into a little puddle of tears when it was over.
And I think it's going to be worse when I leave ESF.
It's funny, because I didn't ever think I would even go to ESF. I don't know why; I think I thought I'd go to some upper-echelon private school or something. Instead, I'm living at home, sitting in the middle of my bed in my own bedroom at my own house on a muggy Sunday afternoon, sort of fending off thoughts and worries about upcoming finals and the end of another year at ESF.
I know I'm worried. Besides the fact that I can feel it beginning to curl up in the pit of my stomach, I've been biting the skin around the fingernail of my left thumb... which is quite frustrating, actually, because the nail is too long for it to be effective. And that SHOULD be a good thing, because it means I can't massacre that finger before I need it at school tomorrow for whatever it is I use my left thumb: texting, probably.
Last night I was thinking about how tomorrow will be my last biochemistry class probably ever, and I was thinking about how that might be a positive thing. And then I felt this sort of crushing despair that said to me, "But that means that you've almost exhausted your courses at ESF. That means that soon, it's time for you to leave."
If you know anything about me, you know how much I hate change. Change makes my stomach do that knot thing in my stomach. Change makes me cry into my pillow or on long, night-time walks with Laura. And huge changes, like leaving the place that became my home so much more than Liverpool High School ever was - well, frankly, it's catastrophic.
It's tough for me to think of picking up and leaving for the summer, when I've finally established myself here. I've felt a sense of belonging so strongly that it's just exhilarating.
5/24/2010
Mom seems to be of the opinion that we all have ADD. To some extent. Apparently it doesn't interfere with me leading a productive life. It doesn't get in my way.
If it's the reason I have so much trouble focusing, though, maybe it does a little bit. I think the reason I have trouble focusing is because I need concrete deadlines and sometimes I just don't get concrete deadlines.
Bah, it's really hot today.
7/6/2010
My chemicals are not in. This is turning into a vicious cycle, without any real cycle. At least, I don't think it really qualifies as a cycle.
This Mika song makes me want to stand on top of a moving train and make superhero poses. I think that's the point. I can still listen to it all day; it has not lost its appeal yet.
I was just looking at my plan sheet; I was sort of thinking ahead to the freshman orientation seminar that I might try to piggyback my way to (although I think I - very unfortunately - actually have a class during it) because I love chemistry and because FX runs the seminar.
Anyway, turns out I am deficient 6 credits for graduation. For some reason, I think that's hilarious (probably because I am slacking and only taking 15 credits this next semester AND YET that's 9 more than I need).
This past weekend we spent in a whirlwind of trains and skyscrapers and crowds and sun (mmm, too much sun). I went up on the Skydeck of the Sears Tower, and it was worth the money because I'm never going to do it again in my entire life, probably, but it was sort of breathtaking in a way with which I don't usually associate the adjective "breathtaking".
I guess the whole urban setting is just really new for me. It surprises everyone, because the minute I mention that I live in New York they dive for the city and I have to explain that no, I really don't live very close to the city at all. In fact, I've never been there. I would go, though; I like the city.
I like the life of it all. There are people everywhere. The transit system is amazing. The food is neverending (but unfortunately not free). The shopping is hideously expensive and the views are unbelievable.
7/28/2010
Basically, I have nothing to do until 3:45, and right now it is 12:30. I'm considering going for lunch, but I don't want to spend the money, so I'll probably work more on my paper (the first draft of which is due tomorrow) and eat my granola bars. I'm going to have to buy one more box, I think, and that'll be it. I realized yesterday that there are about three weeks of the program left. Three weeks from today I'm going to be done with presenting (or maybe, if we're talking 12:24pm on August 18th, I'll still have to go) and I'll be wrapping things up in the lab and trying to hit all of the restaurants that we found we liked while we were here.
It's going to be weird to say goodbye to this place. This experience seems to be teaching me that either (1) I was too young when I went to summer camp or (2) summer camp in teepees is a terrible idea. I am leaning towards both, actually.
At 20 years old, I'm learning that I can fend for myself. And I realize that dorm life isn't real life. I think I realized this a long time ago; it was drilled into me every time someone's eager parent slammed me again and again, saying, "But don't you want to have the college experience?!" Because the "college experience" isn't real life.
8/20/2010
(no title)
I feel like I should write something tonight because this is my official last night in Evanston. I went to breakfast with my parents, to lunch with Paola and Dessi, and to dinner (and subsequent ice cream) with my parents.
I like the word susurrus. I think it's about the best example of onomatopoeia I've ever seen. It's too bad that it would sound so terribly pretentious to ever use it, because it's really a lovely word.
Back when I had my verizon.net email and had daily Word of the Day emails (I've signed back up for them, but somehow having them delivered to my gmail account daily is more annoying than anything else), I used to save the words I really liked. I've lost those, though, because we switched to Time Warner (DSL was NOT cutting it).
It doesn't really matter. I suppose I'm not going to be a writer anyway, although I always used to feel so terribly proud of myself when I wrote something decent. I can't write as well as I used to be able to write... I know this, because I look back and I've lost a good deal of what I used to be able to do.
The problem is that I never feel particularly inspired anymore. Most of the time I feel vaguely tired, or I just don't care enough to try to write. Besides, what do I write about?
I'm feeling terribly tired now. Mom and Dad helped me move most of my things out of my room, so that all I have left is my bedding, my bathroom stuff, my fridge, a change of clothes, and my drying rack. Oh, and my computer. Who can survive long without one of those?
I haven't heard anything about TAing for general chemistry. That's okay, I guess. I could take the semester off. I have, after all, heard about tutoring for organic chemistry. I feel so terribly tired! The thought of tutoring seems so daunting now, even though I've done it for two years. At least it starts slow, and first semester is a piece of cake.
Against dark blue, my hair looks lighter. I notice this every time I wear this particular tank.
An Innocent Man is a great song. I forgot how good a song it was. Good old iTunes genius feature comes through again!
you know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
You gotta hand it to Billy Joel. He writes great lyrics. You know what's a great song? All About Soul. Holy cow is that song good. What's my favorite part of that song... hmmmm. I think it's the chorus that goes
it's all about soul:
it's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
it's all about soul:
who's standing now and who's standing tomorrow
and following lines. But really, the whole song. Good stuff.
9/13/2010
It's funny, how a little dog can keep me company. I love this little dog like crazy.
Today as I was driving home from taking Jon to karate, I heard a commercial on the radio. I only heard a fragment of it, because I was skipping around stations looking for something that I honestly wanted to listen to, but it made me laugh.
"Well," said a woman's voice, "I have one half-sister, and two quarter-brothers!"
"And together," boomed an enthusiastic man's voice, "They make one whole person! So have them over for -" and then I switched the station. Still, it struck me as funny.
And that made me think of this commercial DJ saw on TV the other day while watching football. He actually paused the TV, called me downstairs, and played it for me. It was for Jimmy Dean sausages, I think, and I wish I could find it because it was THAT funny.
11/26/2010
If I die young, or something happens or whatnot, I don't want any groups made in my honor on facebook. There are terrible people out there who for some reason get their kicks from terrorizing people who are in indescribable pain.
I just wouldn't want anyone to step on my memory like that.
I guess my facebook could stay up. I don't really know.
12/13/2010
I want to learn to sing The Winner Takes it All, but I'm afraid it might be too high for me. I suppose I could pitch it a couple of steps lower.
8/29/2011
I think it's time.
The new leaf is nearly turned over!
I always wonder what that means, you know? Turning over a new leaf? What's the literal component to that statement? I always find myself somehow thinking of both a new green leaf - light, healthy, alive green like the tank top I'm wearing right now, a green that makes you smile and maybe even think of mint chocolate chip ice cream - and a fallen fall leaf, browned side up, waiting to be turned by the inquisitive toe of a distracted person waiting for a bus.
I think that my little green leaf, reluctantly unfurling as I cherished the last vestiges of high school, opened its veiny face to the sun when I started my undergraduate. As I finished my undergraduate, it slowly began to change from green to a sunset palette of colors. Now it has fallen to the ground and its crispy self is just waiting to be discovered.
Nah, that analogy doesn't really work.
I heard Someone Like You on the radio right now. About time that got some attention. I do like knowing the song before it makes it onto the radio, though -- that never happens.
So my summer of research has been over for just over a week now. I've spent a week doing random things, being lazy, walking around during the sunny days, cooking, cleaning, reading, watching some television, meeting my incoming class, etc etc.
Just got distracted by a plethora of things, including but not limited to: Robyn, facebook, my class schedule, the dirty dishes in the sink, and a truck driving backwards on the path outside my window (it was making a terrible scraping noise that sounded a little like squawking).
So Irene hit New Haven. I didn't think it was that bad, but I did run into Kurt Karandy this morning and apparently he's been without power for over 24 hours now. His immunology roommate took their food to cool with the dry ice. Haha he was so pleased with the dry ice. The things I take for granted now, I'll tell ya...
I also saw the better part of a tree flipped over and threatening to snap the power lines that had tried to be accommodating by catching it. Now, I don't know whether or not that would have cut my power... but I figure I could have very well have lost power.
I am listening to Mahna, Mahna and it is making me bop which is, of course, making typing (or thinking) very difficult.
Oh. Right.
So I have finished my schedule. It took probably five minutes to iron out. I talked to Scott Miller for quite a bit longer than that because he is a nice guy and also because I figure you cannot have too many faculty friends in your department.
"Ninth Post"
"You cannot simply drive a car on a linear hydrocarbon. Well, you could try, but it would be a bumpy ride."
-- Caluwe
Hahahaha I still find that hilarious. I mean, literally, I laugh every time I read it. Or think about it. Or write it down. I love organic chemists. They crack me up… I think they have a special brand of humor that basically only relates to chemistry. Which is probably why I think it’s so funny.
Here’s a sample of a fairly common type of conversation I have with FX during his infrequent visits.
FX: “Okay, well, I guess we should try the vacuum pump.”
We walk over to the other lab and set up the vacuum pump. Well, sort of.
FX: “Can you go find me a small 24/40 flask?”
I go back to the other side of the lab and rummage around to try to find something smaller than 500ml with a 24/40 head. Finally, I find something that might work, and walk back to the other side of the lab.
FX: “This… isn’t 24/40. This is 24/something. I don’t know what it is.”
Me: “Oh.”
For some reason I find conversations like this hilarious. And re: the 24/40, how was I supposed to know it wasn't 24/40 if it fit on all of the 24/40 apparatuses?
Also, turns out we do have an unopened bottle of butyllithium (which, henceforth, if I am referring to it, I'll use the chemist's shorthand: BuLi), and it's not the one I just ordered down in the stockroom. Well, now we have two. FX seems remarkably unconcerned.
Thursday was a fairly good day. I ran into the janitor in the morning, because I get there sort of earlyish, because the professors basically come in whenever and the grad students do the same. Grad students, unlike me, generally do not get paid for their research. They are paying for their research because along with the slot it fills on the resume and CV, they get a little piece of paper saying they've earned another degree, which allows them to make more money later in life.
The janitor is a sweetheart, and for some reason she kind of likes me. I said hi to her and, as I was unlocking the door to my lab, I heard her say, "You should be a model." I turned to look at her (and smile, because I was hugely flattered and because I think that's the first time someone has said that to me since I was about 14/15, when I used to get it all the time), and she continued, "Because you're so tall, and skinny... and pretty." And I thanked her, because what else do you do in the face of a compliment?
Later she brought me popcorn.
8/11/2009
"Tenth Post"
I don't feel as much like I've done nothing today as I did on Wednesday of last week. I blew down some samples, I ran some GCs, and now I'm running some NMRs.
The fact is that I am pretty well stuck right now. I honestly just need him to answer one or two questions for me and then I can do something, but until I get a response from him, there's really not much I can do. It's pretty frustrating. I'm sure it's at least slightly frustrating for him, too, because although he's on vacation in France, he wanted me to email him every day and he was going to email back.
I guess I have to assume at this point that he just has no access to the internet, and be somewhat grateful that the work that he left me with plus the occasional instruction via email carried me very nearly halfway through the second week. I really hope he's back on Monday. If he is, maybe I can actually make some headway.
I also guess that I shouldn't be as terrified as I am of making mistakes. Mistakes happen. Everyone makes mistakes. And yet, I'm twisting myself into knots over this column. I just have to keep telling myself that it's a learning experience. I don't think any horrible harm was done. I think it's going to be okay.
I'm ready to go to sleep. I think the days that I stress hardest, I feel the most exhausted after.
Today, Christina, Justine and I went to the Little Thai House for lunch. It was pretty delicious, and it's nice to be able to take a break when things are getting frustrating... or going nowhere. Or possibly even both, because where the latter is, the former also tends to be. In any case, I have another hour and a half here, and I want to make sure that I pick up some of my NMR printouts before Dave leaves for the day and the room gets locked. Of course, if that happens, I can always just pick up my printouts tomorrow. Maybe I should just leave early today.
I mean honestly! I was here an hour extra on Friday, and if I don't actually really have anything to do, what's the point? Sitting around pretending to be busy for my own benefit (because no one else cares) isn't actually helpful. It just stresses me out, and I don't feel stressed at home.
10/18/2009
"Eleventh Post"
I need to write up four more microbiology labs. What's good about this? Well, nothing, but in comparison to the labs I've had to write up for my chemistry courses, these dinky little two or three-pagers are totally tame.
In any case, I am obviously not doing that, which doesn't help my situation.
It's funny that it can be almost the end of October - almost two months since my last post here - and yet somehow I have still made almost no progress on my project for FX. I've been trying an oxidation step. I tried it five or six times, with a bunch of different methods and reagents and concentrations and things.
Then FX brought me a new method on Friday which I don't entirely understand but hey, I trust the man. So I'm going to start it when I have some free time. Which will be never. This semester is driving me into the ground. I know I say that every semester but I really mean it this semester. Usually the fall semester is the one where I feel really great about everything and I feel like I get snowballed spring semester. I hope it doesn't get busier than this.
On the other hand, I am definitely not going to TA next semester. So that's a couple of chunks of time out of my schedule that I don't have to worry about.
2/10/2010
Had a bizarre day today... saw Caluwe, who informed ME that he would have my letter of recommendation done by the deadline, had Deb show me the kitten in the freezer (no lie).
2/11/2010
promise me that you'll leave the light on...
You know, I started thinking about Hemler again today. Partly because somehow, in my artless clicking-of-links (you know, the part of the day where I wind down... and down... and down some more), I came across Sara Bareilles.
The day she bought me that CD kind of stands out in my memory. Not in a particularly obtrusive way, if it's possible to stand out without being obtrusive, but in a sort of it's-there-when-I-go-looking-for-it way. It was one of those days that kind of seems like it goes on forever. It was a Friday. I was stressed.
I was stressed enough that I had actually told her beforehand that I was stressed. This was before I had a car on campus but after I earned my license; she drove down and picked me up where Irving meets East Raynor - the point where, if I had to pick, I'd say ESF begins. I was watching for her without really knowing what she drove and I still don't know, even though I can remember the color and the inside. I guess that's probably a girl thing.
So I hopped in and we pulled away to go to Carousel to see a movie, and I kind of curled into myself as she said, "So, what's all this about you being stressed out?"
It's not exactly that I don't feel comfortable being open with her. I mean, I'm pretty open with her in most respects. I think it's that she and I never really had these conversations when I was in high school, but we kind of skated around them. Or I did. I never know anymore when I look back. I don't remember what I said that day, or what she said to me in return, but I remember that question.
I struggle with feeling inadequate. I don't know why I feel inadequate. I just always feel like I need to do more, to be involved in more, to be constantly adding to my resume and yet, somehow, I manage to not be capable of fitting things in. This is probably the hot-button issue for me - I usually think of failing something (myself, other people, to meet some sort of expectations) as my biggest fear, but why would I fear failure if I didn't feel inadequate?
I'm just so scared of the future. I don't know what I want to do. I tell people that I think I want to do research, and I AM happy when I'm in the lab and I want to do a research program this summer but I'm terrified. I am so scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of being away from home, I'm scared to try to build yet another support system for myself, I'm scared to try to learn to be myself again without people to define me.
I mean, sooner or later, they'll probably define me again anyway, right?
This isn't the point. The point is that I miss Hemler. I miss her a lot and yet I don't feel comfortable calling her Hem anymore. She wants me to call her Lisa and I'm going to have to get used to that but maybe that's the next step.
Maybe there is no next step. At least in that respect. The thought of letting go (no, I haven't done it yet) is still terrifying. Did I let her define me? Did I make her define me? Did she define me? In a way, I'm sure she did.
5/2/2010
It's May. And I'm terrified. The anticipation of the end of semester, the excitement for a long summer vacation - it's missing, somehow.
I feel like I'm wading reluctantly towards a finish line that I don't really want to cross.
I feel like I did four years ago, when my junior year of high school was ending and I was so excited to be a senior and I loved every minute of my senior year and then dissolved into a little puddle of tears when it was over.
And I think it's going to be worse when I leave ESF.
It's funny, because I didn't ever think I would even go to ESF. I don't know why; I think I thought I'd go to some upper-echelon private school or something. Instead, I'm living at home, sitting in the middle of my bed in my own bedroom at my own house on a muggy Sunday afternoon, sort of fending off thoughts and worries about upcoming finals and the end of another year at ESF.
I know I'm worried. Besides the fact that I can feel it beginning to curl up in the pit of my stomach, I've been biting the skin around the fingernail of my left thumb... which is quite frustrating, actually, because the nail is too long for it to be effective. And that SHOULD be a good thing, because it means I can't massacre that finger before I need it at school tomorrow for whatever it is I use my left thumb: texting, probably.
Last night I was thinking about how tomorrow will be my last biochemistry class probably ever, and I was thinking about how that might be a positive thing. And then I felt this sort of crushing despair that said to me, "But that means that you've almost exhausted your courses at ESF. That means that soon, it's time for you to leave."
If you know anything about me, you know how much I hate change. Change makes my stomach do that knot thing in my stomach. Change makes me cry into my pillow or on long, night-time walks with Laura. And huge changes, like leaving the place that became my home so much more than Liverpool High School ever was - well, frankly, it's catastrophic.
It's tough for me to think of picking up and leaving for the summer, when I've finally established myself here. I've felt a sense of belonging so strongly that it's just exhilarating.
5/24/2010
Mom seems to be of the opinion that we all have ADD. To some extent. Apparently it doesn't interfere with me leading a productive life. It doesn't get in my way.
If it's the reason I have so much trouble focusing, though, maybe it does a little bit. I think the reason I have trouble focusing is because I need concrete deadlines and sometimes I just don't get concrete deadlines.
Bah, it's really hot today.
7/6/2010
My chemicals are not in. This is turning into a vicious cycle, without any real cycle. At least, I don't think it really qualifies as a cycle.
This Mika song makes me want to stand on top of a moving train and make superhero poses. I think that's the point. I can still listen to it all day; it has not lost its appeal yet.
I was just looking at my plan sheet; I was sort of thinking ahead to the freshman orientation seminar that I might try to piggyback my way to (although I think I - very unfortunately - actually have a class during it) because I love chemistry and because FX runs the seminar.
Anyway, turns out I am deficient 6 credits for graduation. For some reason, I think that's hilarious (probably because I am slacking and only taking 15 credits this next semester AND YET that's 9 more than I need).
This past weekend we spent in a whirlwind of trains and skyscrapers and crowds and sun (mmm, too much sun). I went up on the Skydeck of the Sears Tower, and it was worth the money because I'm never going to do it again in my entire life, probably, but it was sort of breathtaking in a way with which I don't usually associate the adjective "breathtaking".
I guess the whole urban setting is just really new for me. It surprises everyone, because the minute I mention that I live in New York they dive for the city and I have to explain that no, I really don't live very close to the city at all. In fact, I've never been there. I would go, though; I like the city.
I like the life of it all. There are people everywhere. The transit system is amazing. The food is neverending (but unfortunately not free). The shopping is hideously expensive and the views are unbelievable.
7/28/2010
Basically, I have nothing to do until 3:45, and right now it is 12:30. I'm considering going for lunch, but I don't want to spend the money, so I'll probably work more on my paper (the first draft of which is due tomorrow) and eat my granola bars. I'm going to have to buy one more box, I think, and that'll be it. I realized yesterday that there are about three weeks of the program left. Three weeks from today I'm going to be done with presenting (or maybe, if we're talking 12:24pm on August 18th, I'll still have to go) and I'll be wrapping things up in the lab and trying to hit all of the restaurants that we found we liked while we were here.
It's going to be weird to say goodbye to this place. This experience seems to be teaching me that either (1) I was too young when I went to summer camp or (2) summer camp in teepees is a terrible idea. I am leaning towards both, actually.
At 20 years old, I'm learning that I can fend for myself. And I realize that dorm life isn't real life. I think I realized this a long time ago; it was drilled into me every time someone's eager parent slammed me again and again, saying, "But don't you want to have the college experience?!" Because the "college experience" isn't real life.
8/20/2010
(no title)
I feel like I should write something tonight because this is my official last night in Evanston. I went to breakfast with my parents, to lunch with Paola and Dessi, and to dinner (and subsequent ice cream) with my parents.
I like the word susurrus. I think it's about the best example of onomatopoeia I've ever seen. It's too bad that it would sound so terribly pretentious to ever use it, because it's really a lovely word.
Back when I had my verizon.net email and had daily Word of the Day emails (I've signed back up for them, but somehow having them delivered to my gmail account daily is more annoying than anything else), I used to save the words I really liked. I've lost those, though, because we switched to Time Warner (DSL was NOT cutting it).
It doesn't really matter. I suppose I'm not going to be a writer anyway, although I always used to feel so terribly proud of myself when I wrote something decent. I can't write as well as I used to be able to write... I know this, because I look back and I've lost a good deal of what I used to be able to do.
The problem is that I never feel particularly inspired anymore. Most of the time I feel vaguely tired, or I just don't care enough to try to write. Besides, what do I write about?
I'm feeling terribly tired now. Mom and Dad helped me move most of my things out of my room, so that all I have left is my bedding, my bathroom stuff, my fridge, a change of clothes, and my drying rack. Oh, and my computer. Who can survive long without one of those?
I haven't heard anything about TAing for general chemistry. That's okay, I guess. I could take the semester off. I have, after all, heard about tutoring for organic chemistry. I feel so terribly tired! The thought of tutoring seems so daunting now, even though I've done it for two years. At least it starts slow, and first semester is a piece of cake.
Against dark blue, my hair looks lighter. I notice this every time I wear this particular tank.
An Innocent Man is a great song. I forgot how good a song it was. Good old iTunes genius feature comes through again!
you know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight
You gotta hand it to Billy Joel. He writes great lyrics. You know what's a great song? All About Soul. Holy cow is that song good. What's my favorite part of that song... hmmmm. I think it's the chorus that goes
it's all about soul:
it's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
it's all about soul:
who's standing now and who's standing tomorrow
and following lines. But really, the whole song. Good stuff.
9/13/2010
It's funny, how a little dog can keep me company. I love this little dog like crazy.
Today as I was driving home from taking Jon to karate, I heard a commercial on the radio. I only heard a fragment of it, because I was skipping around stations looking for something that I honestly wanted to listen to, but it made me laugh.
"Well," said a woman's voice, "I have one half-sister, and two quarter-brothers!"
"And together," boomed an enthusiastic man's voice, "They make one whole person! So have them over for -" and then I switched the station. Still, it struck me as funny.
And that made me think of this commercial DJ saw on TV the other day while watching football. He actually paused the TV, called me downstairs, and played it for me. It was for Jimmy Dean sausages, I think, and I wish I could find it because it was THAT funny.
11/26/2010
If I die young, or something happens or whatnot, I don't want any groups made in my honor on facebook. There are terrible people out there who for some reason get their kicks from terrorizing people who are in indescribable pain.
I just wouldn't want anyone to step on my memory like that.
I guess my facebook could stay up. I don't really know.
12/13/2010
I want to learn to sing The Winner Takes it All, but I'm afraid it might be too high for me. I suppose I could pitch it a couple of steps lower.
8/29/2011
I think it's time.
The new leaf is nearly turned over!
I always wonder what that means, you know? Turning over a new leaf? What's the literal component to that statement? I always find myself somehow thinking of both a new green leaf - light, healthy, alive green like the tank top I'm wearing right now, a green that makes you smile and maybe even think of mint chocolate chip ice cream - and a fallen fall leaf, browned side up, waiting to be turned by the inquisitive toe of a distracted person waiting for a bus.
I think that my little green leaf, reluctantly unfurling as I cherished the last vestiges of high school, opened its veiny face to the sun when I started my undergraduate. As I finished my undergraduate, it slowly began to change from green to a sunset palette of colors. Now it has fallen to the ground and its crispy self is just waiting to be discovered.
Nah, that analogy doesn't really work.
I heard Someone Like You on the radio right now. About time that got some attention. I do like knowing the song before it makes it onto the radio, though -- that never happens.
So my summer of research has been over for just over a week now. I've spent a week doing random things, being lazy, walking around during the sunny days, cooking, cleaning, reading, watching some television, meeting my incoming class, etc etc.
Just got distracted by a plethora of things, including but not limited to: Robyn, facebook, my class schedule, the dirty dishes in the sink, and a truck driving backwards on the path outside my window (it was making a terrible scraping noise that sounded a little like squawking).
So Irene hit New Haven. I didn't think it was that bad, but I did run into Kurt Karandy this morning and apparently he's been without power for over 24 hours now. His immunology roommate took their food to cool with the dry ice. Haha he was so pleased with the dry ice. The things I take for granted now, I'll tell ya...
I also saw the better part of a tree flipped over and threatening to snap the power lines that had tried to be accommodating by catching it. Now, I don't know whether or not that would have cut my power... but I figure I could have very well have lost power.
I am listening to Mahna, Mahna and it is making me bop which is, of course, making typing (or thinking) very difficult.
Oh. Right.
So I have finished my schedule. It took probably five minutes to iron out. I talked to Scott Miller for quite a bit longer than that because he is a nice guy and also because I figure you cannot have too many faculty friends in your department.
2012: as ever, an incomplete review
Interesting.
I downloaded the app for Blogger on my iPad, so I am now sitting here typing on my bluetooth keyboard case. Seriously, it is so cool. It's like a little laptop! And because of that, I have a really hard time remembering that I have to touch the screen to get stuff done. My fingers keep looking for a trackpad.
Anyway.
So I got the app, and I opened it up and signed in, and all of a sudden I found every single blog post I ever lost, stored in cyberspace as a draft. I wonder why I could never find these on my computer...? Anyway it was pretty fascinating to go through them, because there were a bunch that were quite complete and that's really exciting for me. Maybe I'll compile them into one big retro-post and get them out here for real.
Okay. 2012.
I'm making real progress here; I don't think I'm dreading the new year the way I usually do. Although I just now thought about the progress I have been making toward my PhD and ... well, my stomach crinkled itself up a little bit. Reset! Reset! Ugh. I think this is normal...?
Here are a few things that I have learned about myself during 2012.
I am pretty well done with classes now. I got to where I honestly felt a little bit insulted that I still had to take exams. Exams? Really? Exams have no real-life analog. Besides, after the first few classes, I rarely enjoyed cell biology. It was not enough about things that I need or want to learn.
I have trouble letting go sometimes, and I am not sure I am enthusiastic enough about my project. Although I think I am building enthusiasm, and I try to remind myself that my entire paradigm of research has been sort of forcefully shifted and if that's taking some time to adjust to, that's probably okay.
Piping frosting is really difficult. Also, if a buttercream recipe calls for four sticks of butter, don't use the entire pound of butter. Unless you legitimately want your buttercream to be butter flavored. The group seemed to be okay with it but I was definitely not a fan.
Snickerdoodles do actually need the shortening. It gives them some structural integrity. However, they taste amazing if you use butter instead. No one seemed to care that they weren't strictly snickerdoodles because I stuffed them with sticky, soft caramel and the flavor that resulted was sort of magnificent. If I do say so myself.
Getting up in the morning to exercise feels awesome. After I do it, of course, because getting out of bed isn't fun and neither is the running, really. But I guess it makes me feel sort of proud of myself, and that's something. I have some nice pictures of sun through bare, wintry tree branches on a foggy day that I took around 7:45 am after my run. They are on my phone though so I can't post them now.
Never, under any circumstances, ever, ever, ever go out for legitimate Mexican food when your stomach is already feeling a bit off. This is a bad decision and you will regret it. Also, avoid going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Always. Please remember this. It's not worth it. They always get your order wrong and the wings are absolutely not worth the indigestion that will inevitably result later.
Movies are pretty fun. Especially in that big IMAX theater at the mall. It has been a good year for movies.
I think I am having a hard time being retrospective. I think it's really hard to accurately judge how things are going in lab. I have this constant fear that I'm not working hard enough, and I'm sure sometimes that it's true, but it is often untrue as well.
Ugh this is making me feel a little bit sick hahahaha I don't know if I'm up to finishing it. I don't remember what happened in individual months, as it kind of blends together, more so than it did in previous years. I suppose I'm the depressed second year.
What was it Brad said? Optimistic first year, depressed second year, jaded third year, time-to-get-out fourth year? Well, it might take some tweaking at the end there, but the first three years are sufficiently described, I imagine.
I often wonder if I'm cut out for this and what my direction in future will be. I don't much like to think about it, but I try to, sometimes. I don't know what's going to happen five years on down the road, and maybe that's okay.
I hope 2013 has more movement to it than 2012, which stalled out several times and went a bit stagnant. I'll keep my chin up for now.
I downloaded the app for Blogger on my iPad, so I am now sitting here typing on my bluetooth keyboard case. Seriously, it is so cool. It's like a little laptop! And because of that, I have a really hard time remembering that I have to touch the screen to get stuff done. My fingers keep looking for a trackpad.
Anyway.
So I got the app, and I opened it up and signed in, and all of a sudden I found every single blog post I ever lost, stored in cyberspace as a draft. I wonder why I could never find these on my computer...? Anyway it was pretty fascinating to go through them, because there were a bunch that were quite complete and that's really exciting for me. Maybe I'll compile them into one big retro-post and get them out here for real.
Okay. 2012.
I'm making real progress here; I don't think I'm dreading the new year the way I usually do. Although I just now thought about the progress I have been making toward my PhD and ... well, my stomach crinkled itself up a little bit. Reset! Reset! Ugh. I think this is normal...?
Here are a few things that I have learned about myself during 2012.
I am pretty well done with classes now. I got to where I honestly felt a little bit insulted that I still had to take exams. Exams? Really? Exams have no real-life analog. Besides, after the first few classes, I rarely enjoyed cell biology. It was not enough about things that I need or want to learn.
I have trouble letting go sometimes, and I am not sure I am enthusiastic enough about my project. Although I think I am building enthusiasm, and I try to remind myself that my entire paradigm of research has been sort of forcefully shifted and if that's taking some time to adjust to, that's probably okay.
Piping frosting is really difficult. Also, if a buttercream recipe calls for four sticks of butter, don't use the entire pound of butter. Unless you legitimately want your buttercream to be butter flavored. The group seemed to be okay with it but I was definitely not a fan.
Snickerdoodles do actually need the shortening. It gives them some structural integrity. However, they taste amazing if you use butter instead. No one seemed to care that they weren't strictly snickerdoodles because I stuffed them with sticky, soft caramel and the flavor that resulted was sort of magnificent. If I do say so myself.
Getting up in the morning to exercise feels awesome. After I do it, of course, because getting out of bed isn't fun and neither is the running, really. But I guess it makes me feel sort of proud of myself, and that's something. I have some nice pictures of sun through bare, wintry tree branches on a foggy day that I took around 7:45 am after my run. They are on my phone though so I can't post them now.
Never, under any circumstances, ever, ever, ever go out for legitimate Mexican food when your stomach is already feeling a bit off. This is a bad decision and you will regret it. Also, avoid going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Always. Please remember this. It's not worth it. They always get your order wrong and the wings are absolutely not worth the indigestion that will inevitably result later.
Movies are pretty fun. Especially in that big IMAX theater at the mall. It has been a good year for movies.
I think I am having a hard time being retrospective. I think it's really hard to accurately judge how things are going in lab. I have this constant fear that I'm not working hard enough, and I'm sure sometimes that it's true, but it is often untrue as well.
Ugh this is making me feel a little bit sick hahahaha I don't know if I'm up to finishing it. I don't remember what happened in individual months, as it kind of blends together, more so than it did in previous years. I suppose I'm the depressed second year.
What was it Brad said? Optimistic first year, depressed second year, jaded third year, time-to-get-out fourth year? Well, it might take some tweaking at the end there, but the first three years are sufficiently described, I imagine.
I often wonder if I'm cut out for this and what my direction in future will be. I don't much like to think about it, but I try to, sometimes. I don't know what's going to happen five years on down the road, and maybe that's okay.
I hope 2013 has more movement to it than 2012, which stalled out several times and went a bit stagnant. I'll keep my chin up for now.
Monday, December 10, 2012
update
I have started week three of running. So far, so good. As usual, the hardest part is crawling out of bed. Once I'm up and out, my stubbornness rules out and even if I feel like I'm just going to die, I keep at it. I suppose it's a pride thing. It also feels satisfying to be exhausted at the end.
I'm starting to understand what J told me about running when I asked him about runner's high a few months ago. "Nah, I don't really get it when I'm running," he said, "I think I get it after I run."
I understand that. I feel great when I haul myself back up the hill to my apartment, set the coffee a-brewin' and hop into the not-quite-warm-enough shower. And it lasts for a good long time, that specific feeling. Probably until 3 or 4 pm. It's very good.
This week I am running 90 seconds, walking 90 seconds, running 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes, running 90 seconds, walking 90 seconds, running 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes. At the end I felt like I still had too much left to give, even though I had wanted to give up during the 3 minute runs, so I ran another 90 seconds, walked for a while, sprinted for what I felt like I had left, and then dragged myself up the hill and into the shower.
So I ran a little more than 10.5 minutes.
I ran at least a mile today. The route I follow is roughly a mile each way, there and back.
I ran at least a mile today.
I ran a mile today.
This is a milestone.
I'm starting to understand what J told me about running when I asked him about runner's high a few months ago. "Nah, I don't really get it when I'm running," he said, "I think I get it after I run."
I understand that. I feel great when I haul myself back up the hill to my apartment, set the coffee a-brewin' and hop into the not-quite-warm-enough shower. And it lasts for a good long time, that specific feeling. Probably until 3 or 4 pm. It's very good.
This week I am running 90 seconds, walking 90 seconds, running 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes, running 90 seconds, walking 90 seconds, running 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes. At the end I felt like I still had too much left to give, even though I had wanted to give up during the 3 minute runs, so I ran another 90 seconds, walked for a while, sprinted for what I felt like I had left, and then dragged myself up the hill and into the shower.
So I ran a little more than 10.5 minutes.
I ran at least a mile today. The route I follow is roughly a mile each way, there and back.
I ran at least a mile today.
I ran a mile today.
This is a milestone.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
procrastination post
Mmmm.
It is a Sunday afternoon. Almost a Sunday evening. I've done my running around, purchased my groceries and a 10 pack of ankle socks at Walmart.
It's kind of funny, the way we change over time, isn't it? I remember how excited I was for my first "bobby socks", and then I remember feeling like I desperately needed no-show socks. Apparently visible socks were not in vogue.
I suppose there were some times in middle school when I just wanted to fit in; I remember telling Mom that I wanted to start shaving my legs in seventh or eighth grade, having seen some of the other girls' smooth legs.
"I look like Bigfoot," I lamented.
She tried not to laugh and even managed a horrified look. "Did some of the girls call you Bigfoot?"
"Well, no," I admitted, "I just feel like Bigfoot."
I was convinced for a while that the world was out to get me. I've become far less convinced of this lately, especially in this place where clothes and hair and makeup don't mean anything. Anyway, the point is that I've come around, and ankle socks are now equally desirable (compared to no-shows). Especially since I've been trying to start running, and running is really hard when you scrape all of the skin off of the backs of your heels.
Anyway, here I am in the warm glow of the bedside light, with my work computer on my lap - I have a paper to write that I am very much less than enthused about writing - and with a generous cup of hot coffee with cream balanced on the bed side (oh, coffee, you giver of life!), and $7 pajama pants from Ralph Lauren and the wonderfully cheery pink flannel sheets that Jon gave me last Christmas, with the mittens and the happy snowmen.
It's a nice place to be, and I thought it would be a nice exercise to think about how pleased it makes me feel right now before I dive into some science.
It is a Sunday afternoon. Almost a Sunday evening. I've done my running around, purchased my groceries and a 10 pack of ankle socks at Walmart.
It's kind of funny, the way we change over time, isn't it? I remember how excited I was for my first "bobby socks", and then I remember feeling like I desperately needed no-show socks. Apparently visible socks were not in vogue.
I suppose there were some times in middle school when I just wanted to fit in; I remember telling Mom that I wanted to start shaving my legs in seventh or eighth grade, having seen some of the other girls' smooth legs.
"I look like Bigfoot," I lamented.
She tried not to laugh and even managed a horrified look. "Did some of the girls call you Bigfoot?"
"Well, no," I admitted, "I just feel like Bigfoot."
I was convinced for a while that the world was out to get me. I've become far less convinced of this lately, especially in this place where clothes and hair and makeup don't mean anything. Anyway, the point is that I've come around, and ankle socks are now equally desirable (compared to no-shows). Especially since I've been trying to start running, and running is really hard when you scrape all of the skin off of the backs of your heels.
Anyway, here I am in the warm glow of the bedside light, with my work computer on my lap - I have a paper to write that I am very much less than enthused about writing - and with a generous cup of hot coffee with cream balanced on the bed side (oh, coffee, you giver of life!), and $7 pajama pants from Ralph Lauren and the wonderfully cheery pink flannel sheets that Jon gave me last Christmas, with the mittens and the happy snowmen.
It's a nice place to be, and I thought it would be a nice exercise to think about how pleased it makes me feel right now before I dive into some science.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
pain is weakness leaving the body
So
I started running.
I
know. It’s weird for me too. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wonder if
I’m doing it even slightly to spite a former friend who asked me what I’d do
here besides research, you know, to stay sane, and I jokingly replied “I’ll
take up running. It seems to be the
thing that everyone in New Haven does.”
Her
response was something along the lines of “Honestly I can’t see you running,
ever.”
Well,
so there.
Okay,
mainly I’m doing it for a couple of reasons.
The first is that I have sort of always wanted to do it, because it
seemed like a low-maintenance thing that has highly exhorted benefits. More on that first half in a minute. The second is that I (and my considerably
heavier body) was halfway shamed into it by my eager little (but not littlest)
brother when we went out to lunch at Chipotle.
Yes,
I picked the venue.
I’ve
only been running for two days, but so far it feels very reasonable (with a
couple of exceptions) and is far less earth-shattering and agonizing than that
one mile a year that they made us run all through grade school.
When
I think about the mile, I have horrid memories of stitches, of that coppery
blood taste in my mouth, and especially of shame when I walked for long
stretches. The best I ever managed was
8:47, in ninth grade, and from then on out I slowly slid away from it. Recreational sports leagues didn’t take older
kids – didn’t I know it was a feedstock for the JV and varsity teams? – and I
wasn’t interested in the time investment that afterschool sports required.
My
metabolism, frankly, is a champ. Let’s
face it. I have absolutely zero excuse
for looking as good as I do. And I don’t
even mean that in a particularly boastful way.
So
I got here, to graduate school, and I was living on my own, cooking for myself,
managing my own time (sometimes well, sometimes poorly). Funny how things got worse when I had more
time: the less time I had, the more I planned ahead. I also never made it to an ATM so I didn’t
eat lunch from the carts (I’m perennially guilty of this now. I can’t help it. The food is delicious).
Anyway
this isn’t meant to be a treatise on my life and dietary habits. Suffice to say that I spent my free time
goofing around, reading, or baking. I
love baking. I think it’s incredibly
therapeutic – and it usually doesn’t give me the same I’m-going-to-die-push-through-the-pain
feeling as running does – but it’s also hard on my waistline. Or, more aptly stated, my love handles. What?!
What’s the use in baking if you’re not going to taste as you go? I’m not in the business of making PRETTY
cookies. They should just be addicting.
So
when I was home and DJ talked me into running, I thought about it, and then I
tagged along with Laura to TJ Maxx and spent $50 on running pants and other
sundry items that I needed (for up top... shhh!). Now that I’d made a moderate investment in
the venture, I was pretty much set. I’d
been poking around on the internet and had seen a link that someone had posted
on facebook. It directed me to a
regiment for beginning runners, called Couch-to-5K, and was supposed to work in
9 weeks.
Okay,
I thought. Maybe I could do 9
weeks. After all, the first week is only
a minute of jogging alternated with 90 seconds of walking, and I only have to
do that for 20 minutes. That’s 8 minutes
of running AND I get to walk. Seems
fair.
So
I got back to New Haven, I set some alarms and tucked myself into bed around
11:40 pm. When they went off at 6:55 am,
I hauled myself out of bed, half excited and half nervous. I put on half of my ensemble and stretched
(poorly) for 15 minutes, then slipped into my sweatshirt and sneakers, grabbed
my cheap mp3 player and my keys, and headed out.
I
didn’t have headphones (besides the Bose pair that my parents bought me one
Christmas and believe me when I say that those are not ever going to be worn
outside), so I just used the mp3 player as a timer. I didn’t want to carry my phone around
outside. I was trying to be careful
about muggings. I decided I didn’t want
to run on Prospect because I wanted to minimize my contact with human beings,
so I walked down the hill in my backyard to St. Ronan and ran along there; 10
minutes in one direction, 10 minutes back.
It
wasn’t long before I was very tired and very hurting, but as I’d told myself
many times, this wasn’t going to be easy and it probably wasn’t going to be
very fun in the moment. I finished
around 7:45-7:50, hauled myself back up the hill (hating myself more with every
step of those little staircases) and into my apartment, poured my coffee from
the coffeemaker into a mug to cool to drinking temperature, and stretched again
for a few minutes before dragging myself into the shower.
Which
was cold. Apparently everyone showers at
8:00 am in my building. This is why I
like night showers. I get some warm
water.
Anyway,
I sudsed up my poor hair (I’m also trying to get to a three-four day split with
hair-washing: either Monday to Thursday and Friday to Sunday or Sunday to
Wednesday and Thursday to Saturday, but sometimes hair isn’t interested in
cooperating so it’s pretty fluid right now and I don’t worry about whether or
not it’s a “hair-washing” night but instead I just examine it in the mirror and
think about how tired I am and really, I could get away with it just this once;
this is maybe not especially compatible with running MWF mornings...) and
proceeded with my shower while my cell phone alarm went off and sang me
Kaleidoscope Heart about eight times. I
figured if I somehow slept through Working for the Weekend’s obscenely loud
opening bars, I may as well still be up in time for class, so I left the 8:00
am alarm activated.
I
felt really nauseous. It was interesting
because mostly my muscles just felt fatigued, which was why I had so much
trouble with the stairs on my way up the hill.
I hadn’t had stomach aches or a stitch, but for some reason the idea of
eggs and water did not appeal to me.
I
had eggs and I drank water. I also had
some strawberry flavored kefir and the aforementioned coffee. Still felt sick, but dumped food into my
stomach anyway. The rest of the day I
felt very awake, but the muscle aches set in quickly.
I
have them almost everywhere, really, but for some reason it’s worst in my left
ankle. I don’t worry too much about
it. It isn’t prohibitive and I’m not
limping, but it’s uncomfortable. I took
a bath last night to soak it, and that felt good.
Last
night I went to DSW and picked up a pair of running shoes, grey and baby blue,
for $60, and then I went to Walmart and grabbed a cheap pair of earbuds, one of
those earband things to keep my ears warm when it gets cold, and (of course)
eggs, because I didn’t have time to grocery shop when I got back from home
after Thanksgiving break. I also bought
a Best of the 80s compilation album for $7 that came in a collector’s edition
(read: completely impractical) metal box.
I can’t remember what it was on that CD that sold me, but there was a
particular track that I wanted.
So
I went running this morning with my earbuds and my earband and my new shoes and
I didn’t have much muscle pain but about 5 minutes in I recognized that the new
shoes with ankle socks was going to be a problem. I pushed through the pain (which was worse
when I walked, so running was easier, in a way, and it also dulled the other
pains) and hauled myself back upstairs.
Slight
miscalculation, maybe, as I'd painted the heels of my socks red. Ah, life’s little lessons. I showered (ouch), neosporin’d and bandaided
my ankles, and put on bobby socks to wear with my usual sneakers. It has done the trick reasonably well. I’m not in any blinding pain and these
bandaids ought to be sufficient for when I run again, which means another trip
to Walmart.
I
feel very awake when I run, which is nice.
I’m typically a night owl, which means I’m losing some of my time at
night but really not much productive time or time in general if I go to bed
between 11:30 and midnight. The soreness
is painful but I’m kind of proud of it.
I’m nervous about next week which is 90 seconds of running with 2
minutes of walking. Which divides out
wrong, but I guess I’ll do six repeats and clock in a little bit above 20
minutes.
Besides,
with the 8 minutes of running I might be approaching a mile, even if it isn’t
all at once. The best part is that it
doesn’t hurt in any prohibitive ways, at least not yet. And I feel good. I like the thought that I can still eat the
food I love (versus the no sugar diet that I tried in the beginning of the year,
which was fantastic in some ways but never would have lasted long-term), but
the interesting phenomenon, at least right now, is that I don’t really want to
in the same way. Making the investment
in running makes me want to not undo it, so my intake of sugar has been kind of
limited which I think is kind of cool.
I
occasionally think that I’m not doing enough in terms of exercising, but I have
to remind myself that I’m running to my own point of fatigue, that I have to
build up endurance first, that I need to not be impatient with myself in this
first (second, third, fourth) week.
Everything takes time to get results.
I’m
sort of excited about my results. This
is a habit that I can cultivate, maybe, and it’s an easier long term commitment
(for me) than giving up sweets. :-)
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